


Eric Bittle and the Three Waffles and the Three Frogs and the Hockey Prince Robot (And the Bad Guy Who Actually Just Wanted Blueberry Pie)

by yhk



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, Cussing, Gen, No romantic relationship, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 14:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16767211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yhk/pseuds/yhk
Summary: Eric Bittle encounters waffles, frogs, a robot, and a bad guy.





	Eric Bittle and the Three Waffles and the Three Frogs and the Hockey Prince Robot (And the Bad Guy Who Actually Just Wanted Blueberry Pie)

**Author's Note:**

> Total crack. I wrote this in one sitting, after inspiration from a line in one of my other stories. Please don't take this seriously. This is not meant to be deep and meaningful.

None of these characters are mine. They're all from Ngozi's OMG Check Please! webcomic. I'm not making any money from this.

Eric Bittle ran into the props room of his high school theater/auditorium. He could hear the jeers of Buford, the star quarterback, yelling into the ether, “I’m gonna get you, you little twink!” While Eric thought the root of Buford’s virulent hate for anyone not fitting his idea of masculinity had more to do with the fact that Buford was not as _no homo_ as he claimed, he felt that Buford’s miniscule brain wouldn’t be able to handle the concept of his confused, blossoming sexuality being expressed in bunches of self-hate.

Huffing, Eric frantically looked around the dark and eerie room. He saw large, wooden props of yellow submarines ( _Huh? We did a Beatles production once?)_ as well as a giant purple jelly bean. ( _What the heck was that for?_ ) Finally, he saw a large, solitary wardrobe against the far wall. As he heard Buford and his minions noisily come closer to the room, Eric scrambled to the wardrobe, flung it open, burrowed amidst the moth-eaten costumes shoved in the main compartment, and closed the door just in time.

“Little Eric! Come out, come out, wherever you are!” sing-songed Buford. The other guys guffawed. Emboldened by his companions, Buford added, “Or I’ll huff! And I’ll puff! And… uh, what comes after that?”

Fred, the only one with any sort of brain, shook his head. “Uh, something about blowing?”

Buford grimaced. “What? Blowing? No, I’m not blowing anyone! No way! No homo! No homo!”

Even in the wardrobe, Eric shook his head. _We, as a human species, are in a lot of trouble if Buford and his goons are the best we can offer. Oh, lordy._

As Buford came closer to the wardrobe, Eric slowly and quietly moved further back. Maybe the old, raggedy clothes could hide him if Buford opened the door?

Eric kept moving back.

And moving back.

And moving back.

Until he realized that he was about twenty feet away from the row of clothes in front of the door. He couldn’t hear Buford and his thugs since he was so far away from the door. _What the hell?_

Eric slowly turned around and saw another door. With this one, he saw glowing yellow light through the cracks. _Hmm. Well, in every horror movie, the red shirts always die when they go through a darkened door. This one’s all bright, and we all know that means it’s a good thing, right?_ He wasn’t convinced, really, but if he had to choose between Idiotic Buford or Warm Glowy Door, he was going with the latter.

So, closing his eyes, he opened the door and fell out…

… in a green, verdant forest.

“Blankie?”

“Blankie! Blankie!”

“Blankie.”

As Eric looked at his feet to see who kept repeating the toddlerish term for a security blanket, he saw –

“AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he screamed.

“BLANKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” they shrieked back.

At his feet were three tiny Waffles. Not the homemade, fluffy kind that he loved to bake with Mama; not the beautiful, scrumptious Belgian Waffles Coach liked to order at the Pancake House; no, these were the craptastic “Leggo My Eggo” Waffles. The ones which were bright yellow. ( _Who in tarnation has ever heard of bright yellow waffles?_ )

They were odd Eggo Waffles, not just because they spoke. ( _Well, one word but they freaking speak._ ) One of them had Dr. Dre headphones on. Another had the flowiest flow of hair, riding a tiny motorcycle. ( _How this Waffle can drive the bike, I don’t know since it doesn’t have any limbs._ ) The third had piercing, golden eyes. They all had a small blanket, tied around their necks (maybe; Eric had no idea if they even had necks).

As they bounced around his feet – the motorcycle riding one just ran over his toes, _ouch_ – he realized that they wanted him to follow them. How he understood that, he didn’t know, especially because they all only said “Blankie”.

(However, he realized he was in a delusion and decided to run with it. _At least I don’t have to deal with Buford, right?_ Eric thought, ever the optimist.)

As they walked through the forest, they entered a darker part of the woods. _Uh, oh, this is where the creepy axe murderer gets the poor, unsuspecting victim. I know this because it’s getting dark, and that means bad things in horror movie-ese,_ fretted Eric.

During his silent mini-freak out, they finally came upon a clearing. La! A beam of light hit the building in the middle of the glade, and Eric swore he could hear angels singing, harps harping and drums drumming. _This must mean that I’m at the “Good Guy” place! Whew!_ Eric thought, relieved.

As he walked closer to the building, he saw that it looked an awful lot like a dilapidated house. Actually, it looked like a trashed frat house, what with all the red solo cups and used condoms lying about the front yard. Worthless, worn-out couches were used as lawn chairs, and the grass had turned almost as yellow as the Eggo Waffles.

_Oh, talking about the Waffles. Where are they? Oh, they want me to follow them into the house. Oh! Haus!_ Eric internally exclaimed as he saw the doormat, which had written on it, “Haus Sweet Haus”. _Maybe some Germans live here?_

As he entered the Haus, the Waffles led him into the filthiest kitchen he had ever seen. However, another beam of light (from somewhere, but he didn’t know where, since it was nowhere near the windows) hit a shiny Viking oven. Again, the angels and instrumentalists, who followed Eric into the Haus, started up with their singing and harping and drumming.

“ _’Swawesome_!” croaked a Frog, attached to the ceiling. Eric saw that the beam of light actually came from the Frog’s eyes. He also saw that the Frog wore a tiny hockey jersey with a smiley-faced sun printed on both the front and back. He slowly inched away from the oven and toward the door. _Beams of light are never good. They could be lasers or something. And a Frog? Stuck on the ceiling? Huh? What?_

“Chill, Chowder!” another Frog hopped in the kitchen. This one seemed to emit a cold blast of air with its breath, and its jersey had a large snowflake. “Sorry about that, _’swawesome_ , we’ve been cursed to be Frogs. However, our fairy godmother gave each of us super powers so that we wouldn’t be completely helpless, _’swawesome._ ”

“Uh, hi,” started Eric cautiously. “Um, why do you keep saying ‘’swawesome’?” he asked, curious.

“Oh, that’s part of the curse, _’swawesome_. Instead of ribbitting, we say ’swawesome instead. Have no idea why, _’swawesome,_ ” languidly answered the Frog.

He continued, “My name’s Derek Nurse, but you can call me Nursey for short. The one above the oven, there, is Chris Chow, or Chowder. There’s another frog, _’swawesome_ , but we call him Dex for short.”

“Uh, my name’s Eric Bittle. What’s Dex’s super power?” _Do I want to know?_

Nursey smiled. Or rather, he smiled as much as an anthropomorphic frog could smile. “You’ll see. I don’t want to ruin the surprise. Oh, wait – everyone in this forest has super powers. The Waffles have the super power to combine into King Mega-Waffle – it’s breathtaking to watch, _’swawesome._ So what’s yours?”

“Um, uh, um – I don’t know!” lamented Eric. “I, uh, just came upon this world from a wardrobe in mine, so I probably don’t have any super powers.” _I wish I did, that would’ve been so neat._

“Hmm. No, you have to have a super power,” stated Nursey. “It’s a requirement to be in this part of the world, so you definitely have something, _’swawesome._ ”

“Uh, so how do I figure out what it is?” asked Eric.

“I dunno, twirl your hand around or something? Do something you love to do a lot in your world, _’swawesome_?” suggested Chowder, who finally came down from the ceiling and hopped next to Nursey.

“Uh, okay,” mumbled Eric, as he started to shake his hips to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”, which the angels, harpists and drummers miraculously started playing the minute he started dancing. _Huh. It’s a pretty good version, considering there aren’t any harpists in the original version, and the lyrics aren’t in six-part harmony._

All of a sudden, a series of mini-pies came raining down in the kitchen. These mini-pies – lemon, lime, apple, raspberry, pecan, chocolate, olallieberry, blueberry, peach, and more and more and more types (AN: that would take pages to list them all) – splattered on everyone. The Waffles screeched, rolling away from the kitchen to avoid getting hurt from the pie-storm. However, the Frogs enjoyed them and snapped as many as they could with their elastic tongues.

“Ooh, strawberry! _’Swawesome_!” croaked Nursey.

“Oh my gosh, these are so, so good! _’Swawesome_!” creaked Chowder.

However, as Eric looked closer at the pies, he frowned. They were NOT round. They were in odd shapes, from octagons, to pentagons, to dodecahedrons… Who in their right mind make pie shapes like that?!?

Before he could complain about the shapes to his new-found friends – er, Frogs – a gleaming silver robot with the bluest blue eyes and the darkest black hair – _Hm, it looks like it’s in the style of a nineties boy band_ – and in a hockey jersey and hockey skates ( _Wait, how can he walk in them? We’re not on ice!_ ) marched in the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” asked the robot, suspiciously. “Who are you?”

Chowder effusively answered for Eric, “Oh, this is Eric Bittle! And he just discovered his super power! And look at all these delicious pies! _’Swawesome_! And I’m so glad he’s here, now we can eat something other than those yucky protein shakes!”

Nursey, looking more cautious than Chowder, said, “Jack, he’s not doing anything wrong. We have the room, _’swawesome,_ he can stay with us.”

The Waffles, who wheeled back into the kitchen after the pie storm abated, bonked into Jack’s ankles, explaining earnestly, “Blankie! Blankie! Blankie blankie blankie! Blank!”

Jack looked around. He sternly answered, “No. This Eric Bittle cannot stay here. I don’t give permission.”

“ _’Swawesome_ , Jack, who gave you the authority to make that decision?” answered a new Frog, who quietly hopped in the room while everyone else watched the Waffles. His jersey had an allen wrench printed on it. “As far as I can tell, we all have a vote in whether or not Eric’s welcome _’swawesome_ to stay in the Haus. And, seeing that he’s providing free pies, he gets my vote.”

The new Frog looked apologetic to Jack. “No offense, but I’m really, _really_ tired of protein shakes.”

Jack glared at everyone, but especially at Eric. “Fine. But you’d better be good. This isn’t a joke. Either get with the program or quit.” He stormed out of the room.

“Uh, thanks guys – oh, I mean Frogs and Waffles? But what did he mean? What program? Huh?” Eric asked, bewildered.

The third Frog croaked happily. “Oh, that’s nothing, it’s just something he’s been programmed to say! Now, could you conjure up more pies. Oh!” he continued. “My name’s _’swawesome_ William Poindexter, but everyone calls me Dex. Now can you please make more pies to eat? Please?” the poor Frog begged.

Eric sighed. His personal musicians ( _They seem to provide a soundtrack for me_ ) started with Beyonce’s “Let’s Move Your Body” as he again danced to the rhythm.

The pies that stormed down made the Waffles scream and dive for cover. The Frogs, on the other hand, happily ate them all. _I’ve never seen such rotund Frogs. Oh my god, I should stop, or they might explode… Ew. Gross._

Eric, or Bitty as the Frogs called him, eventually won Jack the Hockey Robot over. When Bitty started making pies by hand – _The shapes, the odd shapes, I can’t handle it –_ he immediately started on a maple sugar encrusted apple pie.

(Because the Frogs told him that Jack was manufactured in Canada. And Eric, using stereotypes about Canadians, thought Jack would appreciate anything maple-related. Luckily, Jack, while being created in Canada, was actually raised in Massachusetts, and so coincidentally enjoyed maple syrup, and maple sugar, and pancakes with maple, and maple leaves, and maple anything. It was to get close to his roots.)

(AN: But that’s besides the point.)

So, Bitty made a maple sugar encrusted apple pie. And Jack – Jack’s cold, mechanical heart began to melt its ice-encrusted shell. Because his heart needed protection, Dex happily made a steel shell to replace the ice. As the Frog created the steel encasing, Bitty realized that Dex’s super power was technomagery. ( _Is that actually a word?_ )

After Jack’s more powerful heart protection, everyone in the Haus was happy. At least, Bitty thought everyone was happy. He didn’t know about the Waffles, but they seemed okay. (No one knew about the Waffles because of their one-word vocabulary.)

However, a big, bad-ass enemy knocked on the door one day while Bittle pulled out a fresh blueberry pie from the oven. (Cue singing angels and instrumentalists. _Why must they always sing when I mention that damn oven? It’s annoying._ )

That bad-ass enemy, when Eric opened the door, shoved past Eric as he hollered, “Zimms! Zimms! Get your fine hockey-ass down here and get ready to lose to some fine hockey...”

He stopped in the midst of his diatribe as he took a sniff. “Wait. Wait, is this blueberry pie that I smell? Where is this pie? I must have some! I must!” The bad-ass enemy started sniffing like a dog, trying to discover said pie. In the meantime, Jack the Hockey Robot stomped downstairs. As he saw the bad-ass enemy, the Robot sighed.

“Oh, it’s you, Kenny,” he gloomily said.

“Uh, yeah, of course it’s me! Duh! I was supposed to be the enemy in this story, but now I don’t care and I want some of that fine pie I can smell! Where is it? I need some!” cried out the not-so-bad-ass enemy, now known as Kenny.

“Um, hi? I’m Eric? I made the pie?” suggested Bitty, shyly.

The minute he said that, all eyes zoomed to him. Kenny responded first. “Thank you, oh fine Eric! I must have this pie! I did come here to do great hockey battle with Jack the Hockey Player, but that pie won me over. Now – now, I’ll work _with_ Jack and make him the number one player if you continue to supply me with pie.”

Kenny, the not-so-badass-enemy frowned as he shook his head. “Why the hell am I talking so oddly?” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Okay, give me unlimited pie and I’ll leave you and the Haus alone. Deal?”

Before Eric could agree, the three Frogs and three Waffles came running/hopping/rolling over into the room, hollering on the top of their lungs.

Dex cried, “You will not _’swawesome_ defeat Jack the Hockey Robot!” as he created a giant monster frog, made up of zeroes and ones (machine language, man) as it tried to chomp on Kenny’s leg. (But was fairly benign, since the monster frog was just a hologram.)

Nursey yelled, “You’re not chill! Let’s all get _’swawesome_ cool!” and sharp icicles came out of his mouth, piercing Kenny’s sleeves onto the wall behind him. ( _Ew. I wonder if Nursey froze Frog spit… ew. I’m not going to think about it._ )

Chowder just shouted, “ _’Swawesome!_ ” and laser beams shot out, giving Kenny a reverse mohawk.

Finally, the Waffles did combine together into… One. Giant. Eggo. Waffle!

(They were still pretty ineffective. They just rolled over Kenny’s feet, which, while annoying, didn’t really do much.)

(Waffles are fairly light.)

Eric finally bellowed, “Stop! STOP!!!!!! He’s not doing anything! For gosh darn’s sake, y’all, stop all this nonsense!”

Eventually, the Frogs quieted. The Waffle King rolled away. (It took a bit of time for them to separate so they were still all bonded together.) Bitty looked at Kenny and said, “I’m so sorry for everyone's reactions. And yes, I will make you pie whenever you want.”

Kenny, after the ice holding him against the wall melted, looked at all of them. “You know what, never mind. You all are fucking crazy. I’m outta here, and I’m not coming back.” He grabbed a snapback that magically appeared out of nowhere, and placed it on his head, hiding the reverse mohawk. And he left the Haus, never to be seen again.

(AN: Instead, he hooked up with another hockey player and they adopted many kittens and fostered many children and saved the world. The end for Kenny.)

As Eric looked at the Frogs, and Jack the Hockey Robot, and the room where the Waffle King was, he decided that he needed to leave this madness. “I gotta go, y’all,” he explained. “Y’all are crazy, or I am, but I gotta go,” as he left the Haus…

… and woke up on the floor with his head squished against his book that he had for his “Past and Present Fairy Tales: Its Reflections of Culture” class.

He immediately sat up and saw his warm, comforting Haus bedroom.

“Oh, thank god – it _really_ was all a dream,” he murmured to himself.

He checked the time on his cell phone and saw that he needed to be up anyway.

After he did his morning ablutions and combed his hair as best he could, he sauntered down to the kitchen. He saw his Frogs (not literal) sitting around at the table.

He started laughing, thinking of his odd dream.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” asked Dex sleepily.

“Uh, I had the weirdest dream. Y’all were literally Frogs with super powers, and I was able to rain mini pies with odd shapes if I danced to Beyonce, and Jack was literally a hockey robot, and…” Bittle stopped in the middle of his ramblings, as he noticed his Frogs looking at him bizarrely.

“Um, never mind, it was just a really strange dream. Uh, gotta go to class right now!” as Eric left quickly.

Chowder grinned at Nursey and Dex, his eyes beaming like lasers. “ _’Swawesome,_ ” he croaked, as he took a bite out of a dodecahedron-shaped pie.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I like Leggo Waffles.


End file.
